billboard BREAKDOWN - hot 100 - march 21, 2020

…so, I know this is probably the last thing on anyone’s mind, especially given the pandemic lockdown we’ve now found ourselves - and I’ll add that for the release of a massive album bomb chock full of what he thinks are bangers this is a nightmare for any touring artist, especially with chart success - but am I happy that I’m stuck inside with more Lil Uzi Vert than I know what to do with, especially as I already reviewed the album, and especially as the majority of the entries landed in the top 40 and skirted my rules? No, not too happy about that.

And this time it did reach our top ten, which is starting to show signs of movement… with the exception of ‘The Box’ by Roddy Ricch at #1, but there are cracks showing. Radio is weakening, sales are slipping, and while YouTube cements its hold on streaming overall, in on-demand streaming it lost the top spot, at least for this week. Now granted, I don’t believe ‘Don’t Stop Now’ by Dua Lipa will be the song to beat it up to #2 - despite radio dominance and good sales it has nowhere near the streaming to break its margin yet… although it’s better off than ‘Life Is Good’ by Future ft. Drake at #3, which actually had a better than expected radio week and still did well on streaming… but those sales will not get it anywhere. What I see having more of a chance is ‘Blinding Lights’ by The Weeknd at #4, a song that’s seriously on the upswing in all categories, especially in sales or on the radio - if it holds steady or picks up gains as Roddy Ricch takes hits across streaming channels, it could surge. Of course this places ‘Circles’ by Post Malone in a weird position, falling to #5 despite good sales because it finally lost the top spot on the radio and is now slipping hard there. But this takes us to our much bigger story this week: the debuts from Lil Uzi Vert’s Eternal Atake in the top 10, which are conveniently the first three songs of the album and are driven off pretty much just streaming alone. So yes, that’s why ‘Baby Pluto’ is at #6 and then skipping over ‘ROXANNE’ by Arizona Zervas at #7 - it’s now slipping into radio freefall and streaming and sales took major hits, it might be starting to fall out - we’ve got ‘Lo Mein’ at #8 and ‘Silly Watch’ at #9. And to round things out, we have ‘Intentions’ by Justin Bieber and Quavo at #10, which has a full-fledged radio push. See, this is the lesson nobody remembers from the last great wave of album bombs in 2018, the stuff that tends to survive is industry-backed radio pushes, even if they’re complete dogshit.

And while we’re here, losers and dropouts - and as I predicted last week, there weren’t that many of the latter category. That’s what happens when you get album bombs in succession, songs are pruned away faster and it’s more gradual. So yes, ‘bad guy’ by Billie Eilish and ‘Senorita’ by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello made their exits, along with ‘One Man Band’ by Old Dominion… but I’m not about to complain that the songs cut off early are ‘Kinfolks’ by Sam Hunt, ‘OUT WEST’ by JACKBOYS ft. Young Thug, and ‘Suicidal’ by YNW Melly. Now we did have a full quarter of the charts losing, so let’s go through it as quick as possible: first, the continued losses for ‘After Hours’ by The Weeknd to 100, ‘To Die For’ by Sam Smith at 96, and ‘Yummy’ by Justin Bieber - which is flopping HARD at 67 - and then we have the gains cut short tied to our album bombs, with ‘Sum 2 Prove’ and ‘Woah’ by Lil Baby at 52 and 31 respectively, ‘Vete’ by Bad Bunny at 66, and ‘Ignorantes’ by Bad Bunny and Sech at 83. Then we have all the new arrivals from last week that saw their album bomb crater, so let’s start with Bad Bunny and get my butchered Spanish out of the way first: ‘Yo Perreo Sola’ down to 97, ‘La Santa’ with Daddy Yankee at 92, ‘Si Veo A Tu Mama’ at 56, and ‘La Dificil’ at 54. Then we have the Lil Baby losses, with ‘Grace’ with 42 Dugg at 98, ‘Commercial’ with Lil Uzi Vert at 68, ‘Emotionally Scarred’ at 64, and ‘Heatin Up’ with Gunna at 57. Then our other debuts… well, as expected ‘Stupid Love’ by Lady Gaga plummeted to 30, ‘The Other Side’ by SZA and Justin Timberlake fell to 80, and ‘PTSD’ by G Herbo, Chance the Rapper, Juice WRLD and Lil Uzi Vert went to 88, and that just leaves ‘Go Stupid’ by Polo G, NLE Choppa and Stunna 4 Vegas at 90, ‘Tusa’ by Karol G and Nicki Minaj sliding back down to 75, ‘What A Man Gotta Do’ by the Jonas Brothers at 63, ‘Good As Hell’ by Lizzo at 49, ‘High Fashion’ by Roddy Ricch ft. Mustard at 43, ‘you should be sad’ by Halsey at 41, ‘Lose You To Love Me’ by Selena Gomez at 38, ‘BOP’ by DaBaby at 35, and ‘Juicy’ by Doja Cat and Tyga at 71.

Now you’d think the only gains and returns would be driven off of the album bomb this week… and yet we got more, arguably to our benefit! Neither Megan Thee Stallion nor Jhene Aiko had album bombs this week, but we did get back ‘B.I.T.C.H.’ at 59 by the former and ‘Triggered’ and ‘None Of Your Concern’ with Big Sean at 87 and 93 from the latter… along with ‘SUGAR’ by BROCKHAMPTON, which I’m just thrilled is here, it’s such a shot of fresh air. And then we had gains from ‘Godzilla’ by Eminem and the late Juice WRLD at 32, ‘Pu$$y Fairy’ by Jhene Aiko rebounding huge as predicted to 40, and ‘Homemade’ by Jake Owen at 60! But, of course, the big story is our album bomb from Lil Uzi Vert with Eternal Atake, and that means along with the return of ‘Futsal Shuffle 2020’ to 48, the new arrivals that fell below the top 40 and don’t qualify under my rules for best/worst are ‘Urgency’ with Syd at 76, ‘Secure The Bag’ at 72, ‘Bust Me’ at 51, and ‘Chrome Heart Tags’ at 45. The rest are in the top 40 - joy.

So yeah, long list ahead of new arrivals, but we’re starting off with…

89. ‘Oprah’s Bank Account’ by Lil Yachty, Drake & DaBaby - …am I the only one who has no clue how to fully process this song? For one, how in the Nine Hells did Lil Yachty manage to snag both Drake and DaBaby in 2020, especially when he was trying to get Lizzo? And what’s bizarre is that none of the verses are precisely bad, especially when you’re operating the premise of saying a girl looks as good as Oprah’s bank account! So when you’re on that level of ridiculousness, Drake comparing himself to both Obama and bin Laden and then talking about getting kissed by Madonna while DaBaby talks about his girl needing a tank but then talking about him moving on anyway to take your girl… honestly, Lil Yachty’s verse might not be absurd enough! But neither is the production - the slightly offkilter keys and oily keys flooding out the song against the lumpy trap beat makes you think there’s going to be more of a climax that we get, and overall it just feels stiff and clunky. I’m more inclined to call this a failed experiment than outright bad - not one I like, per se, but not one I’m going to get that annoyed with either

79. ‘SKYBOX’ by Gunna - so if there’s one thing that this Lil Uzi Vert album exposes, it’s that if we have an artist doing trap with at least some flair and empty color, we sure as hell don’t need more from Gunna, who is riding an oily clicking gurgle of production that honestly deserves a performer that actually has punch or vocal flair. That the frustrating thing: Gunna can occasionally pick a decent blissed out beat and this is fine, but he still raps like screwing his girl’s friends, calling himself the greatest of all time which he emphatically is not, smacking girls on the fanny, and talking about lean in his bladder is the most boring thing imaginable. And maybe it is, because he still had time to complain about people talking on the internet because he took some sort of loss… which of course he never describes. So yeah, decent production, a vacant non-entity as the rapper - next!

74. ‘Captain Hook’ by Megan Thee Stallion - I am so happy that Megan is pushing this as a potential single instead of the autotuned crooning she tried on SUGA, because this is probably her best song off that project. Yes, it’s exactly something you’d expect from Megan off a leaden bass rumble, trap skitters, and the clinking sounds of swords with barely any melody - which I think is a bit of a misstep, especially with the lowkey hook - and the content is Megan taking guys, fucking them, flirting with girls, coordinating threesomes, and some otherwise pretty empty flexing about how hot she is… but it’s a testament to actually sounding engaged, flipping up flows, and having actual charisma that this song actually does slap pretty hard. I do wish it had ended with a proper hook after the third verse - and she could probably afford to stop mentioning ‘hot girl summer’ months late - but otherwise? This is solid, I like it.

65. ‘Happiness Over Everything (H.O.E.)’ by Jhene Aiko ft. Future & Miguel - and on the topic of things I really like… yes, I get the criticism of this song basically being an long-overdue remake of a 2011 song Jhene had on her first mixtape that featured a clunky Gucci Mane verse and an Andre 3000 interpolation. The difference here is that where the original was timid and honestly barely showed Jhene coming into her own, this flip recontextualizes her presence into something more vivacious and celebratory, coming on the album where she’s fully regained her sexual autonomy even if they’re going to try and paint her as a hoe. And as a whole the song feels way better layered and produced than the mixtape days - the crunchier percussion playing off the hi-hat taps and dreamy keys is more immersive, Miguel sounds better, Jhene sounds way better with a more commanding presence, and even Future can play off the lightly toxic subversive vibe that runs through the entire track. It’s just a great sensuous song - not the collab I would have loved to see chart, that was ‘10k Hours’ with Nas… but I’ll take what I can get.

39. ‘Venetia’ by Lil Uzi Vert - this, on the other hand, sucks - I’m going to keep most of these Uzi entries short because he gives me so little to really say, but this one is notable because it’s all about the extended brand name flex, fucking your girl who wants his money, and then turning lesbians straight. I don’t care how good the production is - and it’s alright enough with the popping percussion building off the slow expansion of melody - I’m not excusing that. And Uzi, nobody cares that much about your wordplay - next!

37. ‘I’m Sorry’ by Lil Uzi Vert - Uzi tries to apologize over a bubbly beat where it becomes abundantly clear that he’s not remotely sorry for anything by saying this girl is banned from his existence and that he can make her cry until she cums… and then wants us to feel sorry for him because he’s ‘unlucky’ he had to deal with this. I’m not sympathetic and I don’t accept your apology, next!

36. ‘You Better Move’ by Lil Uzi Vert - Uzi, we’re dealing with a pandemic and I’m stuck inside most of the day, I can’t move anywhere, even if I do think the spacey sample is one of the more innovative sample flips on the project, even if never really evolves. Beyond that, he mentions stealing your girl and potentially catching the flu - timely - and then featuring one of the most annoying hooting vocal inflections I’ve heard in a while as he makes a Yu-Gi-Oh reference and tells this girl to eat on his dick with a spoon. Ew indeed.

34. ‘Celebration Station’ by Lil Uzi Vert - the production would be decent if it didn’t feel overmixed in the vocals opposite the fizzy and clinking percussion, but this is where we also learn Uzi has to count and verify he has ten fingers amidst the empty flexing and getting blown with a good flip into the second verse,… only for the line, ‘but I’m young enough for your daugher’. Given Uzi’s target audience, this feels icky, especially as he repeats it. I’m not celebrating this.

33. ‘Bigger Than Life’ by Lil Uzi Vert - honestly, I don’t mind the guitar blending here against some of the choral vocals and handclap and Uzi rides the underweight beat pretty well… until we get a hook where she’s screaming for him to pull his dick out and we get verses stuffed with empty flexing and lazy repetition. Again, this is decent production - imagine an interesting rapper on top of it, that could something!

28. ‘POP’ by Lil Uzi Vert - again, we get some spacey synths with a really cheaply blended trap beat, but this is the song where on the album I was looking for the exit - Lil Uzi Vert’s flow is so sloppy here on the hook and verses where he’s just outright off the beat against a bunch of incredibly lazy flexing and fucking your girl… again, I get that this is a basic as fuck power fantasy, but it’s sour and slapdash in a way that I can’t even imagine empathizing with. In other words it might pop for a second, but just winds up blowing.

26. ‘Prices’ by Lil Uzi Vert - the most interesting thing about this song is the sample cleared from Travis Scott’s underrated Birds In The Trap Sing McKnight and how the hook doesn’t slap nearly as much as Uzi thinks it does. Otherwise… fucking your girl, brand names, giving him head until he’s in a coma, bragging about his model that has vitiligo, and that his prices have gone up. Funny thing about that: when you massively inflate the supply, prices tend to go down, if you’re asking for more, you’re on the wrong side of demand curve.

24. ‘B.S.’ by Jhene Aiko & H.E.R. - taking a brief break from Lil Uzi Vert here with a collaboration… that I honestly wish worked better. What’s frustrating is that you can hear the pieces where it could work in the watery plucks opposite the snap that Jhene can ride especially as the bubbly low-end slides in, and even if I don’t always like Jhene against trap percussion, she sounds comfortable here in the flex. But then H.E.R. slides in for an okay verse discussing the guys she’s going to run through… and not only is it not a vibe that flatters her, she has shockingly limited chemistry with Jhene on their hook. Maybe the song needed to feel more organic overall, more guitars and less trap elements, that’d be a better comfort zone for both of them… but as it is I’m left feeling this should be a lot better than it is. Not bad, not really great either.

22. ‘Homecoming’ by Lil Uzi Vert - and we’re back to Uzi, albeit briefly… and here’s one of the better songs from the album. The flows feel a little sharper against the bassy, slightly more ramshackle production - it’s a sample of ‘Baby Got Back’ of all things - and I can almost hear DaBaby or Denzel Curry making something out of this. Shame we’re stuck with Lil Uzi Vert fucking your girl with the same mindless flexing, but the stormy switch-up for the second verse slaps pretty hard… even if he still has nothing to say.

18. ‘I Love Me’ by Demi Lovato - look, I’m trying to be sympathetic to Demi Lovato here - she’s clearly going through a lot and aspirational material has always been her lane. And if she wants to cuss out paparazzi’s overexposure and critics who go off when she’s just frustated and wants to be satisfied with herself, I’m not against that in theory… but if she wants to turn that frustration into an anthem like ‘Confident’ was, this is not it at all. And with Oak on production, I’m not even surprised - you get moments on the hook that sound like they’re going to explode… and then it all collapses into the chintzy, poorly compressed tones you get on the verses with that rinky dink keyboard line. Yes, the final hook tries to go for broke and Demi can still sing, but she’s not produced in a way that flatters her, which might as well be the story since 2016! It’s frustrating because she has real talent and is a decent songwriter, but this rollout is not playing to her strengths as an artist, and her producers are not helping whatsoever. So yeah, not a fan - next!

11. ‘P2’ by Lil Uzi Vert - this is just ‘XO Tour Llif3’ part two, that somehow missed the lesson of the original messy release in being overproduced and polished, with a hook all about gaslighting amidst idiotic flexing, no clear atmosphere, and even less tonal consistency. I didn’t like the original ‘XO Tour Llif3’, so if you’re just going to re-release it and make it worse… yeah, I’m out.

9. ‘Silly Watch’ by Lil Uzi Vert - I really wish I could find this song as fun as everyone else seems to, because while the flow on the hook is faster and tighter against the bells and pianos, it doesn’t transition into the verses at all and in said verses he’s just going to stop to pant for breath for a few bars before we go back to the empty flexing and fucking your bitch and sliding off the beat - you’ve got decent production, and a good hook, and once again Uzi is the weakest part of his own song, where the most interesting line has him complain about since Hugh Hefner died, he can’t get with a playboy bunny. I’m losing interest, let’s move to…

8. ‘Lo Mein’ by Lil Uzi Vert - how does the second song on your long-awaited comeback album have such cheap-sounding, underweight percussion, especially when your synth pileup is trying to add some opulence to the song? It’s not even a particularly good melody but at least it doesn’t work for distinctive flows on both the verse and hook - high fucking bar we’re working with here - as we get more brand name flexing and fucking your girlfriend and talking about his Balenciega undies. And am I the only one who just doesn’t think any of this is cool or interesting or distinctive or memorable? Whatever, we’ve got one more left…

6. ‘Baby Pluto’ by Lil Uzi Vert - oh look, he’s doing a Future impression against production that I actually like: shimmering keys, some decent subtle swell, and the lead-in to the percussion finally sliding in midway through the verse is well-delivered. Shame we have Lil Uzi Vert talking about the sticky sticky with some gunplay to go with the brand names and his neck being on squeegee and all the fucking disposable girls in Hondas… and after a solid dozen of these songs, not only am I left with the impression Lil Uzi Vert is the furthest from interesting, he’s frequently the most obnoxious and frustrating parts of his own songs. It’s rarely fun, but even by the standards of empty flexing, it’s incredibly repetitive. And maybe it’s just me growing up in the crunk era which was often just as vapid and featured sloppily produced albums that went way too long on the hedonism, but at least those songs has performers with vocal presence and beats that tended to bang harder than these. With this… I guess it’s okay for what it is, but I can’t believe I’m saying it: even Future is trying harder than this.

So yeah, that was our incredibly long and frustrating week. Best is easy with ‘Happiness Over Everything’ from Jhene Aiko with Miguel and Future - speak of the devil - and Honourable Mention to ‘Captain Hook’ by Megan Thee Stallion. Worst are both from Lil Uzi Vert, with ‘Venetia’ getting the bottom spot and ‘POP’ as Dishonourable Mention, although there was some competition there. And yet I get the distressing feeling the Lil Uzi Vert show is not over, because we’ve got Luv vs. The World 2 coming… stay tuned.