billboard BREAKDOWN - hot 100 - december 16, 2023

So I guess this is where the Christmas glut fully kicks in and the charts really grind to a halt… well, at least for now. I have a theory that both Nicki Minaj and Tate McRae will have more album impact next week, although the question of how much is a little open-ended given the uphill battle against the holidays, but hey, at least it’ll be more interesting, right?

Certainly moreso than our top ten, where for another week ‘Rockin Around The Christmas Tree’ by Brenda Lee has the top spot at #1 - chalk it up to great streaming and a shockingly good sales week, although with the standard holiday rotation. And if you want to run through our next three songs, they’re all effectively in the order delineated by how well they’re streaming: ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey at #2 - I’m really surprised the push hasn’t manifested here - ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ by Bobby Helms at #3, and ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! at #4. Then we have ‘Lovin On Me’ by Jack Harlow at #5, holding as the biggest non-holiday streamer right now by a pretty significant margin, and with the radio upswing continuing, I’m not surprised this has held this high. Then right behind him we have ‘A Holly Jolly Christmas’ by Burl Ives at #6 - see the streaming position - followed by ‘Cruel Summer’ by Taylor Swift somehow still holding at #7, which is what happens when your radio is in freefall but you still have the top position. Then we have 'It’s The Most Wonderful Time’ by Andy Williams up to #8 - again, thank streaming for this - and finally the last two non-holiday songs somehow holding on with ‘Snooze’ by SZA at #9 where streaming position is compensating for the airplay gap even as it fades, and ‘Paint The Town Red’ by Doja Cat at #10, which has the radio positioning but considerably worse streaming as of now.

This takes us neatly to our losers and dropouts, and now the holidays have set in, at least for now there’s not many of either. The big and welcome story comes with the exit of ‘Try That In A Small Town’ by Jason Aldean, but I’m also not going to complain that ‘Too Much’ by Jungkook, Kid LAROI, and Central Cee left too. And the loser list is pretty limited here: Jungkook also saw a loss for ‘3D’ with Jack Harlow off the return to 92, as did ‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas’ by Perry Como down to 48 - apparently people in the absence of good taste prefer the Michael Buble version, distressing. The last two… ‘Can’t Have Mine’ by Dylan Scott is seeing his run stall out at 81, and ‘Now That We Don’t Talk’ by Taylor Swift is continuing its descent at 84, not surprising.

Now our returns and gains list is a little strange - in the former category, I get ‘Santa Baby’ by Eartha Kitt returning at 43 as well as ‘Little Saint Nick’ by The Beach Boys to a lesser extent, but I’m kind of shocked to see ‘Soak City (Do It)’ by 310babii sneak back at 98. But the better story comes in our gains - yes, ‘Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town’ by the Jackson 5 saw a nice boost to 34, but since ‘You’re Losing Me’ by Taylor Swift didn’t really get a full and proper tracking week last time, she saw a spike up to 27. But the real pleasant surprise came with ‘Surround Sound’ by JID ft. 21 Savage and Baby Tate, which is still continuing its surge to 64 - imagine if the holiday music wasn’t here and how much bigger this song would be with this sort of momentum, wouldn’t that be awesome or something?

Anyway, in the spirit of the holidays we only have four new entries - a few more than last week even if the charts as a whole feel slower, so let’s get this started with.

100. ‘Feather’ by Sabrina Carpenter - you know, it’s probably not a good sign that I heard about the controversy around the use of the church in the music video before I actually heard the song - seems par for the course with Sabrina Carpenter, but it was at least enough to get this to chart and hopefully it’d be better than ‘Nonsense’ was… and it is, but man, I was not looking for a discount Dua Lipa song by someone who does not have the vocal presence or pipes to back the pulsating nu-disco groove and keyboard flutters. It doesn’t help matters that the production doesn’t have the dynamics to really sell any opulence or grander flair - I’ll chalk that up to John Ryan - but while Carpenter brings a decent bit of energy and theatricality, she can’t really command this sort of bouncy kiss-off that feels long-overdue. I was actually a bit surprised how much I liked the lyrics - Carpenter’s conversational style can overplay the quirky, hashtag relatable vibes but for as breezy as this song is, they work a little better, even if the jittery runs can test my patience. Overall… I’ll call it fine enough, but I’m not gonna seek this out.

93. ‘Mmhmm’ by BigXthaPlug - so funnily enough, I actually did recognize BigXthaPlug - he was on That Mexican OT’s project this year, apparently he’s got some connection with Morgan Wallen that makes a bit too much sense - why not capitalize on one of the biggest streaming acts right now - and if this is leading to more Texas rap creeping back to the Hot 100, I was game for it… and then I heard the sample of The Whispers’ ‘And The Beat Goes On’, an instantly recognizable melody, and my heart just sank - come on, man, not like this! It’s kind of a shame because the underlying bass lick that builds some thicker presence against brittle percussion isn’t bad, and BigXthaPlug can be pretty funny alongside the flexing - I love how he was annoyed with someone for leaving his dog in the rain, or how in calling some haters po-po he conflates that with them being irrelevant, those are some pithy lines! I just wish there was more to this beyond that - it’s no ‘Johnny Dang’ for how colourful and ridiculous that could be. Again, it’s okay, but I want to like it more.

79. ‘Everywhere, Everything’ by Noah Kahan ft. Gracie Abrams - I’m not going to reiterate my theory that Noah Kahan is trying to recruit as many indie acts as he can to bolster his critical perception, now getting Gracie Abrams… except she’s not really indie at all, she’s the daughter of JJ Abrams and had her debut album on Interscope this year produced by Aaron Dessner! Whatever, this is another remix of a song from Stick Season that was neither one I liked nor disliked - the breezy acoustics build to a larger climax, but this also uses some pretty macabre detail to describe how his love will persist after death as the world collapses around them, and Noah Kahan is too milquetoast of a singer to sell that. And Gracie Abrams… adds little if anything to the song, it’s actually startling how little unique personality she shows here with whispered vocals obviously borrowed from Billie Eilish’s playbook. Again, this isn’t bad so much as it it’s utterly forgettable - I’m not going to complain that Noah Kahan is using his newfound platform to elevate better artists, but if this is where he’s heading next… yeah, not impressed.

57. ‘My House’ by Beyonce - You know, it’s so nice that Beyonce is paying tribute to Flo Rida by remaking his late-career hit, not enough Flo Rida appreciation these days, and I’m only somewhat kidding with that. But no, apparently this was a surprise release tied to the Renaissance tour film, with additional production and cowriting from The-Dream, and… oh boy, we happened to get the two lanes of Beyonce I don’t like, the sloppy club hustler paired with the imperial diva, and at least according to her they’re one and the same. And I’ll give Beyonce this, she has the energy and intensity here, she sounds damn near vicious across the song, angrily demanding why her fanbase is out because the only reason they would be is if they’re cutting down someone hating on her, followed by shouts of ‘get the fuck up out my house’… but really, love will heal us all, through a Beyonce tour and her flexing. If you can’t tell by now, this is not remotely working for me and it’s largely an issue of construction - the song is two fragments inelegantly slammed together with the pulsating bass, blaring synths, and marching band horns trying to support percussion that’s way stiffer than it should be, which then drops into a low pulsating bass synth groove with oddly filmy percussion that flows better but the hook is all in a major key and none of the build flatters it, it’s angry and disjointed that doesn’t fit with Beyonce’s culmination. But the most revealing line is on the second bridge with a flip of RuPaul’s line ‘if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else’ - what Beyonce says is ‘I will always love you / but I’ll never expect you to love me / when you don’t love yourself’, reframing an aspirational statement to a condescending serve for Beyonce’s ego, and then attempting to end on how ‘love through Beyonce’s tour will heal the world’… as great as I’ve heard it is, I don’t buy that. In other words, I don’t think this is good at all - I understand that my tastes and takes on Beyonce don’t align with the norm… and I don’t care, I’m skipping this.

And yeah, it’s also getting the worst of the week, with the best… yeah, let’s keep it in Texas and go for ‘Mmhmm’ by BigXthaPlug - there was no obvious choice and the sample is overused, but I had more fun with this than anything else here. Next week… Nicki and Tate McRae, so stay tuned for that!